Saturday, November 19, 2005

Extreme Jello Shots

Jello Shots Today...Pudding Shots Tomorrow | Liquor Snob
Ultimately we determined that the breaking point of a Jell-O shot the point at which the gelatin began to lose its structural integrity (i.e., ability to gel and hold its shape) is somewhere between 19 and 20 oz. of vodka per 3 oz. package of Jell-O powder. That's at least 14 oz. (1 2/3 cups) more than the 5 oz. of vodka in the original Jell-O shot recipe.

Wow! Now that's a jell o shot. Almost 3 times the booze compared to a standard jell o shot.

Jello shots have extreme side effects! Side effects can include: sleep deprivation, severe financial hardship, talking to yourself, paranoia, noxious fumes (possibly toxic, but that is speculative on my part), destruction of property (yours), vandalism, graffiti, manic/depressive episodes, spy ware infections, lice, viruses (both human and computer), Tourettes Syndrome, decreased sex drive (all right, not the drive but the opportunity), stuttering, destroy your social life and loss of intelligence.

Oh, I know what some of you are thinking. "Poor C. Light, he's finally gone off the deep end. There is , like, no way that jell o shots can have those side effects."
Wrong! There is so a way. Allow me to tell you a story. (Stop your whining and keep reading!)

Once upon a time there was a beautiful and intelligent couple. A beautiful, intelligent, and doomed couple (they don't know they are doomed yet). So the beautiful and intelligent couple went out to this thing called Necronomicon. A wonderful fantasy land filled with weird creatures and copious amounts of alcohol.

Upon arriving they gazed in wonder at the strange sights.
The more clever of the pair (the man) said, "Trekkies and furries and goths, oh my!"
After a bit of exploring this most unusual of places, the beautiful and intelligent couple began to grow weary and decided to rest in the evening breeze. During their respite they are approached by a witch cleverly disguised as a waitress.

The witch says, "Would you like to buy some jell o shots?"

The beautiful man says, " Look! Pretty colors!" (the intelligent part no longer a factor due to the aforementioned "copious alcohol").

The imp of the perverse (incarnated in this tale in the form of the Schram-Man) speaks, "Lets buy the whole tray!".

Where upon our beautiful, no longer intelligent but still doomed, couple proceeds to buy the entire tray of jell o shots. After consuming the entire tray, the beautiful couple have mad, passionate sex for the rest of the enchanted evening.

What? This doesn't explain the side effects? But it does. Let us join our beautiful and intelligent couple one month later...

The beautiful and intelligent lady speaks, "I'm late."

The beautiful and intelligent man replies sagaciously, "You should set your alarm earlier".

The beautiful and intelligent lady replies, "No jackass. I'm late. As in my period was supposed to start and it didn't. I think I'm pregnant."

And so our story ends and the once beautiful and intelligent couple are now afflicted with a myriad of side effects from the evilness that are jell o shots. With no hope of a cure for another fifteen years.


At Sunday, March 01, 2009 6:52:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're out of your goddamned mind

At Monday, March 02, 2009 9:18:00 AM, Blogger Coherent Light said...

Sadly, not even the first time I've heard that today.


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